Vol. 2
Peaks and Valleys: Why Cancer was the Best and Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Me.
Peaks and valleys. It sounds strange to say, but cancer has been both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Throughout this journey, I’ve experienced God’s goodness in ways I never imagined, alongside some of the lowest points of my life.
In the Bible, the book of Psalms has been my anchor. The Psalms are a collection of songs and poems where the writers lament—expressing profound grief and sorrow—while also expressing trust, love, and pure awe of God. They aren’t just expressing sadness and low points; they are also praising God for who He is. The book of Psalms is all about remembering your pain but also putting God’s promises above everything else.
My hope is that as you read this, you’ll see God’s unwavering faithfulness through every high and every low. It’s always easier to focus on the valleys, so I am also challenging myself to remember how God has moved during this season. I want to be like the psalmist and write about my grief and sorrow, while also remembering who God really is.
Suffering is a strange thing, and I could write a whole post on why suffering for Jesus is a good thing—and maybe I will. But for right now, I want to focus on telling you all about God’s faithfulness, and why I have experienced the best and the worst moments of my life all at the same time. It is quite peculiar, and something that will probably remain a mystery until I get to Heaven to ask God myself. For right now, though, all I can do is rest in the ways God has moved during the hardest season of my life. It’s amazing to think of how we can be in the lowest and darkest valleys, and how quickly God can bring us up to the mountaintop with Him.
Valley
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
— Psalm 23:4
“You should probably go to the emergency room.” My mom and I were already in the car driving up to Mass General Hospital as we heard these words come out of my surgeon's mouth. Gripping fear started to creep through my mind. I was trying to keep it together, but my eyes were welling up with tears. All we could do at this moment was pray.
That day, I had a hospital follow-up appointment with my primary care doctor. I was about two weeks out from my second surgery and was still not feeling good. I explained the symptoms I was having: shortness of breath, lightheadedness, dizziness, and a racing heart rate. I told her how I had gotten blood work done a few days prior and everything looked fine. My primary care doctor thought about what I was saying, and as she was pondering, I was practically keeled over, panting on the exam table. Then she said, “My only suspicion is that you could have a pulmonary embolism, or a blood clot in your lungs.”
I began to internally freak out. It was a "thoughts bouncing off every corner of my mind" type of freak-out. I blurted out, “Are you serious?” She responded that her suspicion was low, but that it was a possibility. She ordered a blood test that would check the likelihood of a clot and said that if the test came back elevated, I should go to the emergency room.
I got the blood test done, and then we waited. Still freaking out, crying, sobbing—I was not at all rationalizing this. How could you even rationalize this? I was terrified. I was beside myself. But I prayed. All I could do was pray.
A couple of hours later, the results came back. Sure enough, the value was above normal limits. I frantically messaged my surgery team on the patient portal and went into panic mode. My mom and I decided we should start making our way up to Mass General Hospital. We packed a hospital bag just in case I had to stay overnight and began driving.
On our way up, we got a call from my surgeon, who seemed perplexed by the blood test but not overly concerned. He said I should definitely go to the emergency room to get more testing done and to rule out a blood clot, but reassuringly, he reiterated a low suspicion that it was the case. His lack of concern made me feel better, but I was still having racing thoughts. I felt so numb, so tired of this season, and so overwhelmed by everything. Tears were streaming down my face, and I had no words. I was speechless. My mom started praying over me: “God, would you be with Grace right now.”
We made it to the emergency room and Sam met us there. I checked in, got my initial intake completed, and waited to be called back. Around an hour later, my name was called. A nurse handed me a hospital gown and started hooking me up to the monitors. Here we go again, I thought.
After what seemed like an endless stream of nurses, nursing assistants, doctors, physician assistants, and members of the surgical team came to see me and asked countless questions, everything suddenly fell silent. I felt like I was back in the pre-op area waiting for surgery. Wearing the same itchy hospital gown, hearing the familiar beeping of the monitors and the chatter drifting in from the hallway, and seeing Sam and my mom sitting in the same chairs beside my bed—everything looked just as it had before. Yet somehow, it all felt different. There was a greater sense of peace. I knew God was with us.
Peak
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
— Romans 8:28
After about four hours of waiting in the emergency room, I was finally able to get a CT scan of my lungs. A hospital transport worker brought me back to the radiology department. I waited in line for my turn and then was brought into the scanning room. I scooted myself onto the table, and two kind radiology techs who were around my age helped me get comfortable.
As a nurse, I bring my own patients to get CTs all the time, but I had never had one myself. I was not prepared for the sensation of getting IV contrast. If you have ever gotten a CT with contrast, you know exactly what I am talking about. The radiology techs warned me that when they administered the contrast, it might make me feel like I was peeing my pants, but not to worry because I wasn't. They left the room, and the scan started. There was a loud whirring noise as this big, donut-looking machine scanned my lungs, and then all of a sudden, I felt like I was peeing myself. They were not wrong! The scan ended, and I quickly checked to make sure I did, in fact, stay dry. All clear. Phew!
After the scan was complete, we still had to wait about an hour for the results to come back. As we were waiting, all I wanted to do was go home. All I wanted was to feel normal again. All I wanted was to feel like myself. It felt like time was moving so slowly. Then finally, the doctor came in. He smiled and told me that my scan came back clear, with no signs of a blood clot. Praise the Lord! He also let me know that there was no evidence that the cancer had spread to my lungs. This had been a huge concern of mine, knowing how extensive the cancer was in my lymph nodes and knowing the likelihood that it could spread.
Hearing this news, I knew that the Lord was right there with us. His presence was made known. His healing power was seen in real-time. He is Jehovah Rapha. Thank you, Lord!
We were all so excited to hear this news. What a wonderful God we have. What a wonderful God we have who works all things out for the good of those who love Him. What a God!
Though the scan and the emergency room visit didn't find a medical reason for why I was having those post-surgery symptoms, after my trip to the ER, the symptoms practically disappeared. I don’t know why God brought me to the emergency room that day, or why He kept me there for eight hours, but I know that He did work out all things for my good. I know that God is sovereign and that He can work through the most terrible circumstances. Romans 8:28 is not a promise that every event is good, but that God can bring good through every event. Even though the enemy would have loved for me to dwell on the terrible moments of that day, I can see so clearly God's goodness through it all. What was one of the hardest days of my life turned out to be a day ending in praise for the One who is healing me. Jehovah Rapha. What could have been a day in the valley turned out to be a day standing strong on top of the mountain of God’s faithfulness.
Valley
“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
— Romans 5:3-4
When I was first diagnosed with thyroid cancer, Sam and I had been engaged for not even two months. We had just barely started planning our wedding, which was set for August 23rd, 2026, so we were already in a bit of a time crunch. We hadn’t even started premarital counseling, we had barely touched the surface on marriage, we didn’t have an apartment together yet… we had a lot of work to do.
I remember crying out to God, asking Him, “Lord, why would you give me cancer during what is supposed to be one of the happiest, most joyful times in my life? Why would you take this season away from me?” I was so angry that God would allow something so hard to happen during a time that is supposed to be so good. For a while, I grieved the fact that our engagement was not at all what I had pictured. Candidly, I still catch myself grieving and being angry with God for why He would do this to us, and honestly, I don’t think I will fully understand why until it's all over.
That's beside the point, though. During my initial diagnosis,
I was crying to Sam and saying, “How are we ever going to prepare for marriage now?”
Sam said, “This is the best preparation we could have ever prayed for.” And boy, was he right.
Peak
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
— Philippians 4:6
It feels crazy calling this a peak, because it is still something that I struggle with, but I know God is going to continue to move in it. Sam was right when he said that this was going to be the best preparation we could have ever asked or prayed for.
When thinking of preparing for marriage, I think of reading books on how to do marriage well, and how to have a fruitful, thriving relationship. I think of going to premarital counseling and talking about what it means to be married, and what it means to be a good husband and wife. I think of having lengthy, deep conversations about what we want in our future and how to steward that well. The list could go on. And I am not saying that all these things aren’t good—because they are, and Sam and I have done all of them.
What I am saying is that I was not expecting marriage preparation to look like being diagnosed with cancer and having two major surgeries in the span of three months. But that is our reality. And thank God for it, because we would not be the same couple without it.
During this time, we have grown in ways that have surprised us both. I have fallen more in love with Sam through watching him serve with love, kindness, respect, strength, leadership, and grace. At the ages of 25 and 26, we have walked through a season of life that most people won’t walk through until much later. This is marriage preparation in real-time. What I've realized is that you can intentionally prepare for marriage with all the tricks and tools, but nothing prepares you for it like real life.
I give all the glory to God because we would not be where we are in our relationship without Him at the center of it. During this season, we have prayed countless times, “Lord, help us to prepare for marriage,” and “God, let our marriage be fruitful, thriving, long-lasting, and healthy.” I am confident that prayer works and that the Lord has answered us.
A verse that speaks truth to this peak is Philippians 4:6:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Even though I was so anxious about preparing for marriage and what this cancer diagnosis would do to our relationship, I prayed. I petitioned. I praised God with gratitude for who He is, and I presented my requests to the God of the universe. We’re not married yet, I still have cancer, and God is not even close to being finished with all of this, but He has worked. He has moved mountains for us. And not only that, He brought us out of the valley we were in and set our feet firmly on top of the mountain with Him. I am still wrestling with the fact that what was supposed to be the happiest season of my life, turned into what is the hardest season of my life. I may never know the answer to why God intended it to be this way, but I will continue to pray, petition, give thanks, and present my requests to God, for I know that He cares for me.
The core of this message is that God is moving even in our darkest valleys—here are a few quick reflections on the peaks, the valleys, and all the in-betweens:
Valley: The Weight of the Unknown
Finding out I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and feeling stressed about how long it was going to take to find a surgeon, schedule doctor appointments, and actually get surgery.
Peak: Divine Timing
I watched God work everything out so fast right before my eyes. In our current healthcare system, being diagnosed with cancer and scheduled for surgery in less than a month is almost impossible. This was entirely by God’s grace.
Valley: An Unexpected Hurdle
Waking up from my first surgery after what was an “unsuccessful” surgery because they damaged my vocal cord and couldn’t get all the cancer out. Feeling depressed and anxious as I waited for my vocal cords to heal so I could get the rest of the cancer taken out.
Peak: Record-Breaking Healing
God healed my vocal cord in record-breaking time: six weeks. Hearing my laryngologist say, “Wow. Usually vocal cord nerves take up to six months to heal, and yours only took six weeks.” Knowing that God was working all things out for my good.
Valley: The Night Before
The night before my second surgery, bawling my eyes out because I was so nervous it wasn’t going to go well.
Peak: The Turnaround
Watching God turn it around, and my surgery being a success.
Valley
Cancer.
Peak
God’s healing power. God's peace. God's love. God’s faithfulness. God’s presence. God's promises.
My point is that God is greater than our lowest lows, and highest highs. When I was really struggling with trusting God healing me, my therapist said something that really stuck with me. She said “Grace… we serve a big God. God is bigger than all things, including cancer.” Such a simple statement, but so full of truth. God is bigger than all things. I don’t know what your life looks like right now, but if you are in a valley I challenge you to trust God with it. Pray that He would get you through it, and see what happens. If you are on top of a mountain, praise Him. Remember all the ways in which He got you there. Don’t forget to give Him the glory.
To answer the question of why cancer was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me, I simply want to say this: because even during the darkest parts, God’s goodness shined through.
God is good all the time...
And all the time, God is good.
The last thing I want to say is that God doesn’t put us in seasons of hardship, or valleys to punish us or spite us. Often times the valleys are where we have the most growth, or the most refinement. There is a saying that goes something like “you can’t have flowers without the rain.” This is true from a Christian standpoint as well. We can’t have refinement without trials. There is a verse in James that says:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
When I first became a Christian I had a hard time understanding why if Jesus loved us so much, bad things still happened. Then I learned about this verse, and things started to come together.
While studying this verse, an analogy of a silversmith was used to help understand it more. When a silversmith cleans silver, he will clean it until he can see his reflection in the silver itself. It is the same thing with the Lord. When we face trials, it is Jesus’s way of cleansing us, or refining us, and He will do this until He sees His reflection in us. One of the main goals of living a Christian life is to replicate the personhood of Jesus. So if this is a goal of ours as Christians, then we should be rejoicing in our trials. We should be rejoicing in our hardship knowing that it is making us more like Jesus. The second part of the verse says,
“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
We are called to keep going, and to continue to endure because we know that there is an eternal reward that is unlike anything else.
Which brings me to my other thought— that God allows bad things to happen because we live in a broken and fallen world. That’s our reality. Suffering will happen. Sickness and disease happen. This world was never meant to be our home. This world was never meant to be our forever. There is a better place waiting for us, which is Heaven. In Revelation, which is the last and final part of the Bible, there is a verse that I often go back to when I am facing something hard and unexplainable. It says,
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
This verse is referring to what it will be like when we get to Heaven, and if we place our faith in Jesus it is our reality. When we choose to trust in Jesus, we are promised eternal life in Heaven with Him. When we get to Heaven, there will be no more tears, no more death, no more mourning, crying, or pain. We will be restored to our most purest selves. It is quite amazing.
Instead of focusing on the hard parts of life, let’s place our focus on the promises that Jesus had for us. Set your eyes upon Jesus, and He will take care of the rest.
