Vol 1.
Prologue
Jehovah Rapha. This is the Hebrew name for God that translates to “The Lord Who Heals”. It comes from two Hebrew root words: Jehovah (the self-existing, eternal God) and Rapha (to heal, restore, or make whole). The phrase first appears in Exodus 15 where God “heals” water. In this story, God identified himself as Jehovah Rapha. “I am the Lord who heals you” (Exodus 15:26). God doesn’t just “heal” water though. He heals people physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and in so many other ways. God is in the business of healing. It's one of the many things he does best. We see all throughout scripture that God is a healer. In fact Jesus is nicknamed “The Great Physician” because of the story in Luke 5 where Jesus says “those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick”. Jesus wasn’t referring to people who are physically sick here. He is referring to people who are spiritually sick, people who are in need of a Savior. For context, when Jesus had said this, He was at a dinner party with tax collectors. During that time period tax collectors were viewed as terrible people. A few of the religious leaders saw that Jesus was having dinner with them and asked him “Why do you eat with such scum?” Jesus’s response was, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.” Jesus is the doctor here, the Great Physician. He is what makes all things well, including our souls. Without Jesus we are like the tax collectors, sinful and dirty, but with Jesus we are pure and clean. He heals us of all our impurities, all our sicknesses, and all our iniquities. And the thing is, we are all sinful (Romans 3:23), we all fall short, and we are all in need of a savior. And in the story where Jesus eats with the tax collectors, it shows us that Jesus loves sinners. He loves us no matter how far we have gone, or what we have done. Psalm 103 says, “Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.” He is the Lord who heals. He is Jehovah Rapha.
Part 1
“This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”
Psalm 91:2
So far, this year has been a whirlwind. In January, I got engaged to my best friend and love of my life. It was the bestday ever. I was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and love for the Lord, and my future husband. However, in the midst of that time I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. I started going to therapy and was prescribed anxiety medication.
In February, I was still experiencing a lot of anxiety. I went back to my doctor who checked my thyroid. I had labs drawn which were all normal, but on exam she said my thyroid felt really large. I had a number of tests and imaging done, including ultrasounds, and a biopsy. During this time, I remember thinking nothing of it. I couldn’t grasp that I possibly could have cancer. It wasn’t until after my ultrasound that I began to worry. Based on the results, they found two nodules on my thyroid. One on the right side and one on the left side. The one on the right side was much bigger, and had "suspicious qualities”. What was also concerning was that they could see that my lymph nodes were inflamed. I tried to rationalize this as “well maybe I just felt sick and my lymph nodes were inflamed because of that”. Deep down I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be good news. I felt an urgency from the Lord to get the biopsy and move the process along. If you have ever tried scheduling doctors appointments you know how difficult it can be. But by the grace of God, I was squeezed into an appointment at the last minute.
I had biopsies taken from both nodules, and from lymph nodes on both sides of my neck. Laying there on the exam table, tears streaming down my face. Not from the pain of the procedure, but from fear of what was to come. All I could think was “Lord be near to me. Heal me”.
In March I was officially diagnosed with thyroid cancer. My fiance, Sam and I were visiting his family in California. I remember sitting at their kitchen counter eating breakfast and reading my Bible. Sam was sitting on the couch a couple feet away and having his quiet time with the Lord. My phone started ringing, on my lock screen read a 617 number with a called ID from Mass General Brigham. It was my doctor. I knew what the call was. I took a deep breath and answered the phone. “Hi may I please speak to Grace,” said a voice.
“This is she,” I replied nervously.
“It's Dr Haddady from MGH Thyroid Associates,” There was a pause. Before speaking I took another deep breath.
“Hi Dr. Haddady, how are you?”
“I’m good Grace,” Dr Haddady said blankly. “I am calling because your biopsy results came back.” There was another pause.
“Okay,” I said nervously.
“You have papillary thyroid carcinoma. But I don’t want you to worry. You're going to be okay.”
“Okay, thank you.” I said “what does this mean in terms of treatment.”
“You will have to get surgery. I want you to start researching what surgeons you want to do your surgery. If you want I can give you a list of people I recommend.”
“Yes please, that would be great.” I say again.
In a calming and kind manner Dr Haddady replies, “Okay wonderful. I don’t want you to worry at all about this. We will figure this all out, and you will be okay. Okay, Grace?”
“Okay. Thank you, Dr Haddady.”
We say goodbye, and the call ends. I put down my phone, and place my face in my hands and begin to cry. Sam comes over to me and holds me in his arms, and I just cry. So many tears were shed that day and so many tears have been shed since. One thing I know for certain though is that through every tear, the Lord wept with me.
Jesus Weeps
“Jesus Wept.” John 11:35
It wasn’t until right before my second surgery that I stumbled upon John 11, but it feels more fitting to put this section here. I had found John 11:4 which reads “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it”, and I was deeply touched by it. Throughout my diagnosis my biggest prayer was for the Lord to use this as a way to strengthen my testimony. I would pray “Lord, let the people around me see you through this season”, and “Father, let this be a testimony to your greatness and let your glory shine through”. When I came across John 11:4 I immediately applied it to the season I am going through.
The story in John 11 is talking about Jesus’s close friend Lazarus. Jesus gets the news from Martha, Lazarus's sister, that Lazarus is very sick and is going to die. Jesus responds to Martha with John 11:4 saying, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Martha’s intention of telling Jesus that Lazarus was sick was so that Jesus would come and heal Lazarus before he died. However, Jesus deliberately waited to go and check on Lazarus. Why did Jesus do that? Well, because He wanted Lazarus to die so that God’s power could really be shown. Why did God allow me to have cancer? Well, because he wanted His power to be shown through it.
Once Jesus made His way to the house of Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters, it seemed to be too late. Lazarus had already been dead for four days. Martha said to Jesus, “If you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” Then Jesus replies, “Your brother will rise again”, and verses 23-27 are as follows,
“Martha answered, ‘I know he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ she replied, ‘I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.’”
In this passage, Jesus comforts Martha after her brother passed, and Jesus offers her the greatest comfort of all which is that He has power over death because He is the Messiah. Jesus shows that physical death is not the end of a person’s life, it's just the beginning of eternal life with Jesus if we believe in Him. Martha responds with great and abounding faith. “Yes Lord… I believe.” Maratha expresses total trust in who Jesus is, even before she saw Him perform a miracle. That is what Jesus wants from us. He wants us to take a leap of faith and say “Yes Lord… I believe.”
When we declare that Jesus Christ is our Savior. When we declare that we believe in Him, and His power, it allows Him to work. It allows Him to do what He does best. And it also gives us access to His wonderful and glorious kingdom.
Going back into the story we read that Mary, Lazarus’s other sister, hears that Jesus is in town and leaves her place of grieving to go see Jesus. In verse 32 it says, “When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, ‘Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.’” What happens next in the story brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. Jesus saw Mary weeping, He saw the people around her weeping, and he was deeply moved by their emotions and their grief. The passage reads in verses 33-35,
“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ‘Where have you laid him?’ he asked. ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they replied. Jesus wept.”
Jesus wept with them. Jesus was so moved in his spirit, he was so emotional, so touched by their sadness, that he wept with them. This great, strong, mighty leader, humbled himself, showing selfless empathy and cried. He cried with Mary, Martha, and their community. Jesus was burdened by their grief.
Reading this story reminds me and shows me that Jesus is deeply moved by my tears. He is deeply moved by my sadness. He is deeply moved by my emotions. Jesus is grieving with me. Jesus feels it too. We are never alone in our sadness or our grief. Jesus is in it with us. We just have to invite Him in.
Okay, back to the story. This is the good part; Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Just read verses 38-44 and see for yourself.
“Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ‘Take away the stone,’ he said. ‘But, Lord,’ said Martha, the sister of the dead man, ‘by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.’ Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?’ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, ‘Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.’ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go.’”
This passage is so incredible. Jesus’s power is unlike anything else. Jesus was so moved by their emotions and their belief in Him, that he brought Lazarus back to life. Jesus was so moved by their trust in Him, that He brought a dead man out of his grave. Yes, this really happened, and yes, it's really cool. Jesus bringing Lazarus back to life showed Mary, Martha, and their community who Jesus really was and what He was capable of doing. Jesus knew that this miracle would help people to believe in Him and help people understand His greatness.
The story of John 11 reminds me of what the Lord is doing in my life right now. I believe that through my story, the Lord is going to use this to help people believe in Him. I hope and pray that no matter the outcome of my story, or of this season, Jesus’s name will be lifted high, and all those who don’t believe will believe.
Part 2
“If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home.”
Psalm 91:9-10
At the time of my diagnosis I remember feeling as if my world was caving in on me. I had a lot of hope that everything was going to be fine, but at the same time, there was no guarantee that was true. By the grace of God, we were able to schedule my first surgery at the end of March. Leading up to my surgery I was in the deepest, darkest place I have ever been. The fear of dying constantly filled my mind, and I was feeling a sense of hopelessness I have never felt before. The only thing that got me through that time was the promise of salvation, and the hope of Jesus. I meditated on the fact that God is big. He is bigger than cancer, He is bigger than disease, sickness, anxiety, and fear. This was grounding for me. Something that Sam would say frequently to me was “the God of the universe is on our side.” Thank the Lord for Sam, because I would not have been able to do any of this without him.
March 30th, 2026 Surgery Day
“For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.”
Psalms 91:11
I read this verse and I am reminded of the nurses who took care of me that day. I was laying there in the itchy hospital gown, IVs in both hands, connected to a monitor that was constantly beeping, drowning out my fear with the sound of Elevation Worship, my mom and Sam on my right side holding my hand, the pre op nurse on my left charting and prepping me for surgery. A plethora of people came in and out of the hospital room, obtaining consent, explaining the procedure, and wishing me well in recovery. Then the operating nurse comes in to introduce herself. She has a calming presence, and truly looked like she loved her job. She introduces herself and says, “Hi Grace I’m the OR nurse that will be taking care of you today during your surgery.” She asks a few questions, and I answer, and then seeing how anxious I am she pauses and says, “I’m going to be praying for you the whole time, you do not need to worry.” Immediately I start crying and she repeats it again, “I’m going to be praying for you”, and again, “I’m going to be praying for you”.
Not long after, I get brought back into the OR. The same OR nurse holding my hand explains everything that is happening, and in between each instruction she says “I’m praying for you, it’s all going to be okay”. And that was the last thing I heard before I fell asleep.
My surgery was stopped half way through because one of my vocal cord nerves stopped working. With the cancer spreading into the lymph nodes, and the extent of the work they had to do in the surgery, there was a risk that this was going to happen. Essentially in surgery, they were monitoring my vocal cord nerves with a special endotracheal tube that can track the nerve signals of my vocal cords. During surgery they were doing a lot of stretching and pulling on the right side of my neck, and my vocal cord nerve was most likely stretched too much and stopped working. At that time they stopped the surgery and called it quits. If they were to continue the surgery, my airway would have been at risk if the left side vocal cord also stopped working. The good news is that they got most of the cancer out of the right side, but the bad news was that I had a hard time talking, and I would have to have another surgery. We were told that in order to get my next surgery, and completely remove the rest of the cancer, my vocal cord had to make a full recovery.
After surgery I went home to my moms house to recover. She waited on me hand and foot (seriously). My mom has been a huge supporter, sounding board, and person to lean on during this time. Truly, she is one of the best people alive. She made recovery feel easy even when it was hard. While recovery was physically and emotionally exhausting, it was also the first time I felt like I rested in years (that is an exaggeration, but still). I had been working up until a few days before my surgery, which wasn’t easy, so even though recovery was exhausting for different reasons, I felt relieved that I was able to rest and recuperate.
April, in the midst of the hardest time in my life, I turned 26. I was grieving the blissfulness of life I once felt, but at the same time an overwhelming amount of gratitude for another year of being able to live for Jesus. We were able to take a break from the craziness of life and go on a mini vacation for a girls trip in Florida over my birthday. My Aunt Dawn, cousin Jennah, sister Julia, mom, and grandma enjoyed some much needed girl time on the beach and hanging out at the pool. Though this birthday was a really hard one, I was blessed to be able to spend it with strong women who make me even stronger.
In May I went back to work. A healthy distraction in fact, and found new joy for my job. As a nurse, being on the other side as a patient gave me a new perspective. I went back to work with less pre-shift anxiety (if you know, you know), and more gratitude for my job. I also was deeply impacted by the nurses that took care of me in the hospital, and was inspired to make the same impact they had on me for my patients. On May 15th, I went to my laryngologist. At this appointment they did a scope of my vocal cords to see how they were working. The doctor threads a tiny camera through your nose and down the back of your throat. It is as uncomfortable as it sounds. All the discomfort was worth it though because praise be to God, my vocal cords were fully healed. My laryngologist was shocked by how fast my vocal cord healed, and said it normally takes 6 months or more for nerves to heal. It is only through Jesus’s healing power that my vocal cord was healed and I could move forward with treatment. Emotions of joy filled my mind for the first time in months. Thank you, Jesus! By God's amazing grace, we were able to schedule my second surgery.
The journey wasn't over yet though. While emotions of joy swarmed through my mind, emotions of fear and anxiety started to creep in. “One more surgery, but what if it isn’t just one more? What if there are complications again? What if it's worse than they think? What if there is more cancer than what we thought? What if I die?” Lies. All lies. Sam reminded me, “The God of the universe is on our side.” My therapist challenged me, “But what if everything works out?” My mom encouraged me, “This is your testimony, Grace. You can do this.” My friends strengthened me, “God is going to get you through this.” The Lord spoke to me, “I am the Lord who heals. Jehovah Rapha.”
Part 3
“He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”
Psalm 91:14-15
Hopeful, but so fearful. Faithful, but filled with anxiety. Grateful, but feeling deep sadness. My emotions in the weeks leading up to the second surgery were all over the place. I had a deep faith that everything was going to be okay. But at the same time I kept having ruminating thoughts about worst case scenarios, and things that didn’t serve me. The only thing that helped ground me was prayer and remembering God’s promises.
Praying to God about how I was honestly feeling. This was hard. Being angry that He put me in this season, during what was supposed to be the happiest season of my life. I was confused. I was so upset. I was beside myself. I walked down to the little beach that was about a mile away from my apartment in Dorchester. On my walk there, I began to talk to God about everything going on. First, I talked to him about how grateful I was for Him getting me this far, healing my vocal cords, and scheduling the second surgery. Next I thanked Him for Sam, my mom, my community, my support system. Then I thanked Him for Him. I said, “Thank you God that you are the God who sees me. El Roi. You are the God of peace and comfort. Jehovah Shalom. You are the God who heals. Jehovah Rapha. Nothing can, and nothing will stand in your way. Thank you for being You.” At this point I made it to the beach. I sat down in the sand and just stared out at the water. No thoughts, no music, just silence. Then I started praying again. And I really laid it on Him this time. I was telling God how scared I was of dying. I was telling Him how anxious thoughts constantly fill my mind. I was telling Him how nervous I was and how unsure about everything I was. I was telling Him how I just can’t wait for this time to be over.
Then I was silent again, and this time God spoke. I pulled out my phone, opened my notes app, and started writing. I felt a pull to write my story and my testimony so that God’s glory would be magnified. What was written in that note was the bones of this memoir. What happened on that beach was a release of control to God. Freedom was obtained. I was now in the passenger seat, the God of the universe in the driver seat. God was in control now.
June 11th, 2026 Surgery Day
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”
Psalm 91:1
After a crisp 4:30 am wake up call, I sat on my bed while waiting for my mom to pick me up and read Psalm 91. “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him…”. Leaving behind lies of fear and anxiety, and taking with me the promises of God. In Him I can find rest. He is my refuge, and my place of safety. He is my God, and I can trust Him.
We made it to Mass General for a 5:45 am check-in time. Sam and my mom came with me. We check in and they hand me a buzzer, like I'm waiting for a table at a restaurant. We wait patiently for the buzzer to go off. It goes off, and we walk up to the front where a nice nurse is waiting to take me back. When I get to the room, the nurse tells me to change out of all my clothes, including my underwear and socks, and put on the hospital gown and hospital socks. She puts ID bands on my wrist and ankle, and then someone comes to wheel me to the next pre-op area. Sam and mom are steps behind the wheelchair, as the transport worker is zooming down the hospital corridors. We get to the next pre-op unit, where the nurse introduces herself. “Hi honey, you must be Grace! I’ll be your nurse before you go into surgery today. Can you tell me your full name and date of birth?” I answer, as she helps me get into bed. She hooks me up to her monitor, takes my blood pressure, and my temperature. While she is getting my vital signs she is asking me a million questions. “When was the last time you ate or drank something?”, “Do you have any pain right now?”, “Who is with you today?”, “Did you bring any belongings with you?”.
Now it's about 6:30 am. My surgeon walks into the room. “Hi Grace, you ready for part two?” he says. I laugh and say “yes”. He explains the procedure, the risks involved, and answers any question we might have, and then I sign the consent form. He leaves the room and now we are just left with the three of us. Sam, my mom, and me. Tears start to fall down my cheeks. Sam gives me a hug and holds my hand. I wipe the tears out of my eyes. “I’m so scared,” I say. Sam and my mom pray over me as I cry, and I play worship music to drown out the sound of my fearful thoughts. I remind myself of God's promises, “He is my refuge, and my place of safety. He is my God, and I can trust Him.”
A couple minutes later the OR nurse walks in. She holds my hand and says "I'm going to be your nurse today in the OR.” She can see the tears welling up in my eyes. “I know it's really nerve wrecking, but you can do this. It’s all going to be okay.” She asks me more questions, and then she says with a cheerful voice. “Okay, let's talk about something fun before surgery… I hear you're getting married soon. Tell me all about it.” We talk about the wedding plans and how excited we are, and then it’s about time to go to the OR.
A couple other people come in to help wheel me into the OR. I hug my mom and Sam, and watch them get escorted to the waiting area as my bed gets pushed into the OR. Laying on the operating room table, the nurse continues to hold my hand, and explains everything happening. She says “everything is going to be okay.” A warm blanket gets put on me, and a mask is put over my face. “Just breathe. Everything is going to be okay.”
I wake up being wheeled into a similar room as the one I was in before surgery. The nurse settles me in, gets me pain meds, and apple juice. I don’t remember all that much, but I do remember the apple juice after surgery tasting like the best thing I've ever tasted before. Shortly after, Sam and my mom come in with big smiles on their faces. Looks of relief. “The surgery went really well, honey,” my mom said. “How is your voice?” asked Sam. “Normal I think,” I respond. Phewf. It's like we all let go of a breath we had been holding in all day.
My surgeon comes in and in a cheerful voice says, “the surgery went really well, and we got everything out that we could. How is your voice? Are you swallowing okay?”
“Yes. My voice is normal” I say.
“Good, good,” he says.
“So is all the cancer gone?” I ask.
“Well.” There was a pause. “Not necessarily. I got most everything out that I could see, but there is still a chance that there is cancer in your neck. There could also be a chance of metastasis to other places, like we have talked about, but we won’t know that for a little bit. The radioactive iodine treatment will help kill any remaining bits. But for right now you are on the right track and doing good. The surgery was successful.”
I just smile and nod. “Thank you so much” I say.
We get discharged from the hospital a couple hours later, and all is well. That night I was feeling grateful for a successful and safe surgery. I was feeling grateful for my doctors, surgeons, and nurses that have been taking care of me. Grateful for Sam, my mom, and the rest of my community who has been praying and cheering me on this whole time. Grateful for the God of the universe who is on my side.
Epilogue
“‘Because he loves me,’ says the Lord, ‘I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.’”
Psalm 91: 14-16
I’m writing this while currently recovering from my second surgery, and if I’m being at all honest with you, it has not been easy, and there is no happy ending yet. However, God is good, and that is a fact. There is a lot left to do, but the hardest parts are behind me. There is a song by Elevation Worship called Wait on You, and in the song Dante Bowe sings “I’ll be worshipping while I’m waiting. I’ll be praising while I’m waiting.” And that is exactly what I am going to do. While I wait on the Lord for complete healing, I will be worshipping, I'll be praising, I'll be exalting His holy name.
From the time of my diagnosis, I rooted myself in the promises of God. Psalm 91 has been my anchor. The Lord has been one of the only sources of hope that I have been able to cling to. It has been crazy to be a part of God's great plan, and to see so clearly His goodness during such a difficult season. Even though I am not fully healed of cancer right now. God is healing me. He is the Lord who heals. He is Jehovah Rapha.
